Ronald Reagan, Michael Gorbatsjov and Margaret Thatcher appear before God. God to Reagan:
 -- Son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?
Reagan:
 -- I brought the Evil Empire to its knees, freed millions of people from communism and ended the Cold War.
God:
 -- Very good my son, come sit by my right side.
God to Gorbatsjov:
 -- And you son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?
Gorbatsjov:
 -- I introduced perestroijka and glasnost, and guided the Soviet Union away from communism while avoiding armed revolution and bloodshed.
God:
 -- Very good my son, come sit by my left side.
Next, God turns to Thatcher and says:
 -- And you sister, what have you done?
Thatcher replies (high-pitched voice, English accent):
 -- In the first place, I am not your sister, and in the second, get out of my chair!

		~ ~ ~

How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?
Cover it in petrol and set light to it.

		~ ~ ~

A “classic” from Northern England (I really learned this at too young an age):

Three kids are walking down the street, called Shit, Fuck Off and Your Manners. For some, unexplained reason, Shit collapses. Your Manners stays to see to him, while Fuck Off runs round the corner for help.

He runs into a stereotypical English policeman and starts gibbering at him, visibly shaken, in an attempt to solicit help. The policeman says “‘Allo, ‘allo! Calm down, young lad! Now, tell me, what’s your name?”

“Fuck Off” comes the reply. “Now, now!” says the policeman, “Where’s your manners?". The boy replies “Round the corner picking up Shit".

		~ ~ ~

I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator.

		~ ~ ~

Two engineers are walking to class when one says, “Where’d you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replies, “Well yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, ‘Take what you want!’”

The first engineer nods in approval, “Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.” 

		~ ~ ~

A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. A Republican says, “Hey, who drank half of MY glass of water?”

		~ ~ ~

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over a hill?

“Here come the elephants.”

What did Tarzan say when he saw the same herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

“I don’t recognize them.” 

		~ ~ ~

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Can’t be done - it’s a hardware problem.